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April 10, 2009

How To Make Love

"When the first man looked upon the first woman and was satisfied with her, that was when love began."

After reading the first sentence of How to Make Love by Hugh Morris (Copyright 1936), I knew I had, in my humble possession, the answers to one of life's most complicated and challenging mysteries. First, I should thank Leo, with much heartfelt gratitude, for sending me this modern look at love and how to attain it. The enlightening 32 page pamphlet has directly challenged some of the fallacies I have been blindly subscribing to for years. Not that I needed one, but here is yet another example of how feminist influences have poisoned my mind and led me astray from a truer and happier life. Thankfully, after studying HtML from cover to cover, I am now reformed and ready (to wait) for a perfect suitor to find me.

I've tried to paraphrase some the gems in my new bible for those not lucky enough to have a bedside copy, but I encourage you to also read the original (linked) text. My points are a horrible injustice to Morris's original words:
  • Basic foundation of love. There is only one kind of love and that's between a man and a woman. God made it this way and God doesn't mess up.
  • Women must be passive. The man is strong and was made this way. The woman is weak and was also made this way (cost cutting?). The man chases and the woman is meant to be chased. The success of love depends on this relationship and if the roles switch, it's ludicrous.
  • The first kiss. If she flinches, don't worry. If she flinches and makes an outcry, don't worry. If she flinches, makes an outcry and tries to get up from the sofa, don't worry. However, if she flinches, makes an outcry, a loud stentorian outcry ... and starts to scratch your face, then start to worry ... Such girls are not to be trifled with ... or kissed.
  • Intimacy in public places. Finger sex is fine, but don't get carried away at the theatre.

7 comments:

Queen of the Bongo said...

Eye opening, really. I was living in a bubble before. But I am not afraid anymore...

Hugh Morris is a latter day prophet denouncing the hypocrisies of our time.

Josh Haberman said...

Thankfully, after studying HtML from cover to cover[...]

I will never think about web page authoring the same way again.

Sofi said...

I would advise, in order to perfect you as a woman, to buy the very famous (at least in France) Ginette Mathiot's book "Je sais cuisiner" (I know how to cook).

The edition of 1979 says (let me try a translation):
It's a duty for women from all social conditions to take care of her home.
This work presents all the cooking knowledge that any woman should and must acquire.
We wish that this work continues to be the favorite adviser of women.
("C'est un devoir pour la femme dans toutes les conditions sociales de s'occuper de son foyer", "Ainsi présenté, cet ouvrage précise l'ensemble des connaissances culinaires que toute femme PEUT et DOIT acquérir." et "Nous souhaitons que cet ouvrage continue à être le conseiller préféré et indispensable de la femme.")

Parisa said...

Hey Sofi, thanks for the book recommendation! I am trying to learn French, so hopefully I can read this in it's original writing one day... I'm sure I have much to learn from it.

Also, I'm willing to accept that my duty in the kitchen is cooking as long as the man's duty can be cleaning up after me :)

Anonymous said...

I'm curious. Do you honestly feel this is a legitimate guide to love? Were you sincere in your critique?

Parisa said...

@Anonymous: Absolutely not! Its outdatedness is pretty hilarious though.

Rikosound said...

I have an original 1936 version! If any may be interested!! riksounds@earthlink.net